There should be an activity tracker called, "Hey, Fatty!" and it would have a voice that sounds like Liam Neeson.

So I got a Misfit today - tried out an iFit and was NOT A GOOD BUY. I also flirted with nerds at Best Buy because it's fun and I know they all hate their jobs because, 1) it's retail. woof. and 2) they have to talk to idiots all day and answer the same questions over and over. I mean, I do that, too - but I'm changing lives, damnit. My little idiots are blossoming into wonderful people who know how to analyze literature and create an effective thesis statement! Huzzah!

Anyway, I was tempted to purchase the Misfit because it was on sale (only $30 - wahoo!) and of course, because of this:

I'm a dear little reindeer - why don't I fit in? 

I think the main reason why I want an activity tracker is because it'll be staring me in the face all day, telling me to get my steps in. I want those 10,000 steps, and I want to meet at least one of my goals - I mean, I'm great at setting them....meeting them is another story. Life is hard, and I'm a misfit. 

This week also marks the beginning of the 4th quarter of the school year. 10 weeks left, baby! We're in the home stretch, and this is the time of year that flies by and is stressful, horrible, difficult, and wonderful all at the same time. It's great. And I get to teach 4 different Shakespeare plays, so while I'm a misfit, I'm also Lady Macbeth, Viola, Calpurnia, and Juliet. I mean, I could be male characters too, but the only time I ever picture myself as a male is when I'm Harry James Potter, casting a patronus spell. Speaking of reading, I need to go re-read The Lottery, chapter 4 of The Great Gatsby, a few chapters from Shane, and brush up on books 5-10 of The Odyssey. And tomorrow night I have 13 papers to grade before the deadline on Tuesday at noon. AAAAAAAUGH! Misfit, help me manage my life AND my activity! 

Woof.

I wonder if I'm the only person that finds life after Whole 30 to be kinda shitty. I'd like to preface this by saying that I didn't exactly do the whole reintroduction thing the right way - it's really hard to plan for stuff like that when I can't plan ahead *at all.* Thanks, basketball tournaments! But I have definitely noticed that there are two food groups that just make me feel wretched: Dairy and Wheat...well, gluten, I suppose, but damnit. I don't want to have issues with wheat! It's delicious! It's in everything I love, and it quite literally hurts when I eat it. I've had a sneaking suspicion the last year or so that something wasn't clicking, and while dairy and I haven't gotten along for awhile now, it just sucks to know that drinking a beer and having pasta are things that I'm going to have to plan for now.

Pity, party of one?

Also, on the last day of my Whole45, I weighed in at a holy-crap-balls 152 pounds. Yeah, I weighed 150 for a few days, and it was GLORIOUS, but twas a dream that quickly unraveled. Anyway, that means I officially lost 8 pounds in 45 days, and I've already gained back 4 of them in about 3 weeks. Granted, I've been eating shit lately, but I hate to say that I think I just have a weird body. It doesn't want to be smaller than it is. It enjoys being puffy and bloated and laughing at me when I think that my weight loss efforts are going to stick. I mentioned earlier that even though I loved the process of eating whole foods and feeling awesome, my number one reason for going on the Whole30 adventure was weight loss....aaaand, what do you know? As soon as I stopped doing it, the weight came right back. So I treated it like a diet, really - which is exactly what you are NOT supposed to do. I weighed myself everyday - which is exactly what you are NOT supposed to do. I never really defeated the sugar dragon, and that just freaking sucks because I have a sweet tooth that shall never subside. EVAR. Also, the main issue I have with keeping up with the Whole30 and Whole9 practices is that
I'M FUCKING POOR.

Oh, $60 a week for groceries isn't in your budget, either? Shocking! I truly can't decide if the pros outweigh the cons right meow. I also can't figure out how this lifestyle is sustainable for real people. The cost, the time, the not being able to enjoy myself as my peers drink a beer and I sip...water. Oh, yummy! Life fulfillment right here!

I really hate that my enthusiasm has weaned so much, but I feel a bit disillusioned right now, and it bugs me that I have neither the means nor the desire to continue to eat whole foods. I mean, obviously I won't be busting out the bread and cheese, but for I just don't see the overall benefit of eating no-added-anything if the moment I do, my body's like, "Yeah, that's more like it - here's 4 pounds and an entire weekend of explosive diarrhea. Oh, by the way, those 4 pounds aren't coming off. Not a water weight thing. Here to stay. Enjoy, bitch!"

What I would really enjoy is having enough money to have a nutritionist, personal chef, and a trainer. Oh well.

Signed,
Fooding is hard!

iFit...into smaller jeans!

Guess who's a size 8? ME! Boom, baby!

Hey, remember when I said that I was going to keep doing the Whole30 for another 2 weeks and that everything was going to be fantastic? Things did *NOT* go as planned! Tournament season is a nasty bitch, and that's all I have to say about that. Gaining 5 pounds in a week is the exact reason why I shouldn't own a scale, and that's all I have to say about that. I found out that carbs make me have hard poops, and while I'll say more about that to anyone who listens, I won't go into detail on le blog.

I ate pizza. I ate candy. I ate an effing donut.
And then...I bought an iFit!

Yay, I'm cool now! 

I haven't quite mastered it, but I've only had it for a day. The main reason I got one is because I've been insanely jealous of my roommate (she has a FitBit) and I want to get 10,000 steps, too! As of right now (7pm), I've taken about 7700 steps. NEAT! I've also been upping my game on the exercise, and today I'm starting a little 14 day yoga shred challenge with my homegirl Sadie Nardini. And once cheer season is over, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I can get home before 5pm and go on walks n' junk...I might even jog! I mean, I probably won't, but the possibility is there, and that's what counts! 

Speaking of counting, I counted down this weekend and got a pair of jeans that I fit into without squeezing my thighs into a denim casing. It felt awesome, and even though I was in American Eagle and I'm not 22, it felt good! SO I BOUGHT THEM! A tiny device of the future and cheap jeans that will most likely rip within 6 months? Success!

Anyway, I'm still trying my best to eat real, whole, good food. I'm actually going to take a cooler with me this weekend (We're going to staaaaaaaaate!) so that I can stay on track because I am NOT going to suffer for another weekend just because the dang hospitality room for coaches has nachos and donuts and cake and Doritos and brownies and NACHOS. Eff I hate people who don't prepare for my presence amongst the peons.

And with that, I leave you with the notion that life after Whole30 is difficult, but doable. Also, here are some baby cheerleaders for inspiration. Keep on Truckin', baby!

BTW, if I ever have a daughter, she's going to be a little baby cheerleader. She will be cute and bubbly, and not even kind of athletic. Not even kind of. 

I've run into a pitfall, I'm afraid...

So Day 45 was this past Wednesday  - I made it without any missteps, save for the wine I had when my parents visited the weekend before. That was nothing though - child's play.

This week went by without a hitch, but then the dreaded day 46 came. What to do? We had a district basketball tournament, and it's very hard to plan around that, and truth be told, I got lazy. I also got freaking hungry and there were delicious, non-compliant snacks all around me. All day. For 4 days! I did the unthinkable - I did the un-digestible. I caved on Thursday night and drank a glass of wine, ate a piece of quiche, had a ton of chocolate, and holy shitballs, I ate ice cream. NOT A GOOD IDEA. Let's just say Friday was not a fun day for Shanny. Then, I gave into this delicious box of snacks that our Booster Club made for the cheerleaders, and I ate peanuts. And Airheads. And a weird version of a Slim Jim, however I did not slam into it. To be fair, my uterus was not on my side, as it was prepping to turn into a werewolf at the sight of the full moon.

So here I am, on day 49, and I'm pretty much having to start over - well, get back on track, really. I had more discomfort this weekend than I've felt in a month and a half, and I know it's my own fault, but that doesn't mean that I can't fix it. The plan as of today is to take the next two weeks to stay Whole30, and then go into the re-introduction phase. It'll be March by then, and hopefully cheerleading will be almost over (unless we go to state - yeehaw!) and I'll have more time to focus on really finding out what I need to put back into my diet. Clearly, trying dairy, gluten, legumes and added sugar all in one weekend is not the way to go. I'm pressing the re-set button, and I'm going back to the basics.

I haven't strayed too far off the path, so I'm not worried about staying on track for another two-three weeks, but I know I need to get a hold of my bearings before I go to Spain in April. I can't honestly say that I'm not going to try anything and everything while I'm in Madrid - and it would be silly to not try a new fantastic food just because I don't want to mess up my dietary destiny!

Anyway, after 45 days, I lost 10 pounds and I haven't really measured myself, but I know my clothes fit better and I feel better (except for the past 3 days). So that's cool. Now I shall get started on phase two - the CONQUER PHASE. YES!!!!!

The Adventure Continues, Mes Amis!

This post is dedicated to my best good friend Smashley, who just started the Whole30 on Tuesday, and called me yesterday to tell me about her pizza craving. I'm like her sponsor. Schwing!

Yes, it's true - I'm tacking on more time to my Whole30 - turning it into a Whole45. Not to be confused with a Colt .45, because I am neither a gun enthusiast nor an imbiber of shitty alcoholic beverages.

                                                           ...if you say so, Billy D.

The reasons are three-fold:
1) I haven't defeated my "Sugar Dragon." I got it bad. Real bad. I had two gals teach a lesson in my Senior English class today, and they rewarded their classmates with CANDY. Guess who knew all the answers, thus giving me the right to all the candy? ME. I could have won that entire batch of Reese's (Does anyone else say Ree-cees Pee-cees?) and Milky Ways (frick yes. Out of this world sugar dragon). Thankfully, my students know about my dietary attempts at greatness, so they helped me not eat all of that delicious shit. However, I thought about that chocolate all the day. ALL THE DAY, hence the ongoing quest to slay the sugar dragon. Or "Beat the Sugar Dragon," as I said in class, prompting several giggles and a quick shut down by way of saying, "Oh sick - you are disgusting little boys. Get your mind out of the gutter, children." I feel like this is a major area that needs improvement, because as of right now, I'm this guy:

2) I like what I see, and I like how I feel. My clothes fit better, I don't feel all icky when I go to sleep, and I don't automatically suck-in when I look in the mirror...meaning it takes me a few seconds to start sucking in. Yessss! In other other words, I've deflated. If I were a bouncy house, no one would want to jump on me, but hopefully someone of the male variety soon will. Ha! Just kidding. Kinda. But it's nice to not feel puffy all the time, and I'd like to continue that for a few more days, because.....

3) I have a feeling that when I go off of the Whole30, I won't be able to sustain it - it's too easy to eat peanut butter and Nutella on one spoon! See? SUGAR DRAGON! Shitgoddamn.

So anyway, technically I'm on day 33, and that just made me think of Larry Bird bywayof LFO, and now I'm thinking about NKOTB and Chinese Food. Nope - I'm gonna go make some guacamole and make some freaking delicious chicken with my Whole30 Mayo...and then listen to some NKOTB.
                                                                   Jordan Knight
                                                                 Jordan Catalano
                                                            Jordan Taylor Hanson
                                                        ...coincidence? I think not.
I bet Taylor Hanson would totally embrace the Whole30 lifestyle if it meant he could keep me in his life.

Day 29 - ThE eNd Is NeAr!

Oh man oh man oh man - I'm almost done! I have ONE DAY left! It's been an interesting month, and with only one serious injury to count, I must say, it's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun :) On the Whole30 website, they suggest that one reviews their time on the Whole30 train, and I'm gonna do that here and now, becauuuuuseeee....I don't want to plan lessons for tomorrow. Also, I like memes. 

This is what my life used to be like: 

I've been on A LOT of diets, and I've done just about everything to try to get into shape and lose weight. I spent a lot of time worrying about calorie intake and whether or not I was getting my heart rate up long enough to burn those calories. This past summer, I gained 5 pounds in 3 weeks sittin' on the beach and drinkin' with my aunt (IT. WAS. AWESOME.) and then I freaked out and decided to go hardcore and work out to the EXTREME (go to hell, Tracy Anderson). I lost like 10 pounds in a and I was practically starving myself while I worked out incessantly, and *surprise!* I gained 5 pounds back immediately after I stopped the "program." So once again, I found myself experiencing another failed attempt at being healthy, not fully realizing that that version of health was NOT a good one! This all started when I was 10, so I'm going on 18 years of an unhealthy idea of what health is. And on top of that, I can eat like 2 pounds of chocolate in 10 minutes, and I love to wash chocolate down with chips and salsa. Then, a Diet Coke. Then, more chips. Ooh! and wine! Then maybe a quesadilla. I love having popcorn for dinner, and I think ranch dressing might be my favorite beverage of them all! But...the coke is diet, so it's all ok, right?  Oh, and I also have had a bad habit of taking supplements in an effort to lose weight, when really I know that it's all a placebo effect and they're stupid and they're such a waste of money but I GET SUCKED IN. Dammit. 

This is how I found the Whole30: 

Over this past Christmas break, as I sat at my parent's house for a week (being a teacher is neat!), I realized that I was eating a crap ton of crap. And I felt like crap about it. So, I thought about this book that I purchased the previous summer, and then I got Google-happy, and after reading a bunch of stories from people who have done the Whole30, and watching videos of their success stories, I said, "Fuck it. Let's do it." My main reason was weight loss (yes, I'll admit that my motivations were solely based on that) but as I continued to read and learn more about it, it was like a light bulb went off. I could either keep making unhealthy choices and hate myself for it, or I could make a significant positive change in my life and work toward making it permanent instead of treating it like a phase to go through. Why feel like shit all the time when....I could just *not* feel like shit all the time? A ha! 

During my Whole 30 experience: 

I've cooked things, I've baked things, I've discovered new foods, I've completely changed the way I shop for food, and I've had almost no digestive issues. I've lost 8 pounds (still working on that whole not-weighing-myself thing, but alas...it's a weakness) and I've done yoga everyday....I feel great! I'm actually excited to keep eating healthy and making good choices for my body so that I can LIVE FOREVERRRR. I'm less itchy, and while I still have eczema because it's winter and it happens every year and it blows, but I don't have a rash on my neck or my arms, so yippie! I can kinda see an ab, too - woohoo!  

Now that I've finished my Whole30: 

Well, I'm going to continue on it for another two weeks - I feel like I'm just hitting my stride and I want to keep feeling good! Also, I'm planning on adding to my workout routine, and I want to see if this thing is sustainable if I'm more active. Kind of like an experiment/I'm scared to go back because I don't want to feel like shit kind of thing. 

Bonus: Something I've noticed: 

So, I've told a lot of people about Whole30, and I've also talked about how I'm eating better, I feel better, and I've even had a few compliments that I look better (woot!). However, everyone keeps asking me, "So when are you done with that diet thing?" It's something that bugged me at first, but I realized that we all associate the word "diet" with like "I'm going on a diet because I'm fat, and when I'm not fat anymore, I'll stop my diet." ...Yeah, that's messed up. Isn't our diet supposed to be what we do/can eat? I see the Whole30 as changing my diet, not being on a diet - does that make sense? Ok, so maybe I can't have a ton of wheat-based stuff (I'll find out in a few weeks), but maybe making that change means that I feel better, function better, and woohoo, I feel awesome and you feel like shit. Muah ha ha ha haaaaaaaa :) 

Now the question is, what ever shall I blog about if I'm not blogging about how I sliced a piece of my thumb off? 

Progress Report: Day 20

Greetings! It's the end of day 20 for me, and the end of this week was kind of shitty, to be honest. First, I sliced the absolute SHIT out of my thumb, then I gained 3 pounds, and then I decided that I hate my job and had a mini existential crisis in my brain. 

It all started on a dark and dismal Wednesday night....

Roommate wanted to see if she could make food that was Whole30 compliant, and I was like - cool, let's do it! I wanted to make those delicious sweet potato things I made earlier, and now I have a coolbeans mandolin to help me slice stuff....like my finger. It was bad. It was real bad. Luckily, my roommate was calm as a cucumber and reassured me that no, I did not leave the top half of my thumb on the counter, and yes, there was a lot of blood so I should probably NOT LOOK AT IT. I finally took a gander on Friday morning out of curiosity, and I did *not* like what I saw....because I saw this: SICK! 

Lesson learned: Don't get cocky when you slice vegetables. 

There was another downside to that fateful night, and that was the unfortunate combination of brussel sprouts (read: fiber) and the fact that, even though I love her to death and will always be indebted to her for saving my thumb's life, roommate is generous with the fats. I usually use either 1) non-stick cooking spray or 2) a cap-full of olive oil when I coat the pan....she used a  rather large amount for only one chicken breast (it was special for me because the other chicken got milk and butter and cream cheese). Also, I where I drizzle, she pours. She uses real butter, and I'm pretty sure I haven't had real butter since some random Christmas dinner in the last decade. We come from totally different food-prep backgrounds, and the last time I watched her make potato soup she put an entire package of cream cheese in it, and I had a mini-anxiety attack. I just...I can't. 

Anyway, I think I just got a bit too much EVOO and brussel sprouts that night, even though my dinner was like, off the chain delicious and I officially love brussel sprouts now...

...I felt wretched the next day. First day since I started that I had the burps, and I just felt puffy. And because of my obsession with the scale, I of course had to weigh myself, and a 3 pound gain overnight just doesn't seem right during a month-long adventure of clean eating and feeling like a rockstar. Usually if I gain 3 pounds overnight, it's 3 pounds worth of booze, just sayin'. Wait, that would be me feeling like a rockstar - minus the coke-nose, of course. :)

And so, with my disgusting thumb and my "why do I feel like shit?" days, I felt animosity toward everyone and everything. It was like I was in "Kill ALL the Things!" phase again, and I did not like it, Sam I Am - I did not like Green Eggs and I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. It was rough - I had become accustom to feeling so great each day, like I could take on the world and truly enjoy raw almonds (never would have guessed that!), so when I felt "off" all of the sudden, it was very very noticeable. Crap, is this what it's going to be like when I end my 30 days? Because I don't wanna! Maybe I'll go for 45 days and use those extra 2 weeks to really plan how I'm going to approach eating in the near future. Dang, I might even make that Whole30 Mayo that everyone raves about - new food adventures! New life adventures! When will it be February, because January is dragging its ASS... adventures! 

P.S. I watched the ice skating thing that was on TV tonight, and the girls that took first and second place legit skated to Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera....coincidence? Probably. Proof that everything I love is awesome? Definitely. 

Halfway There: Past the Point of No Return

If you're like me, you love musical theater. I'm sorry - theatre. And if you're like me, you can pretty much associate anything you're going through to a song or a scene from a play/movie. So, as I woke up today, feeling fresh as a daisy and ready to take on the world, I realized that I've officially passed the midway point - I'm on day 16, and...

 again, with the musicals. 

I sauteed freakin' mushrooms and onions (AND zucchini!) last night like a culinary boss. I found coconut oil in a spray can so I can save the stuff in the jar for big projects (you know, like eating it with a spoon because it's essentially coconut flavored lard and I want to bathe in it). I prepare stuff for the week on Sunday. I HAVEN'T CHEATED. Guess how long it usually takes me before breaking on a typical Shano diet adventure? About a day. Maybe. I can find *any* reason to eat chocolate and drink wine or say, "F*ck it. It's Friday." But not this time, betch! I can hardly believe it myself, but I haven't wanted to jump the tracks on this thing - I mean, I feel good! I can see and feel the benefits of Whole30 and it is most definitely causing me to stay on course. This is like, a revolution - let's take that one to the next metaphor level, and say that my willpower and dedication are the guillotine, and sugar is the bourgeois pig getting the chop. VIVE LA RESISTANCE! 

Now that I'm officially in it to win it, I'm looking forward to the next two weeks of feeling awesome and gaining more insight into healthy foods and clean eating. It's not going to be easy to transition back to drinking Wine...did I just capitalize that? Yes, yes I did.Wine is now a proper noun, and it makes me a happy Shanda Bear...and adding some foods back into my diet. However, now that I know I can accept a challenge and actually make a valiant effort rather than poop out after a day, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. Cue the clip of me crying over a block of cheddar with Ritz fragments on my face and a 40 in my hands. 

Slainte! (That's what I say when I toast to my friends with my Night Cheese)

Why I love yoga (and why yoga loves me)

The first time I tried yoga, I was a freshman in college. I was young, optimistic, and I really *really* hated working out. However, I developed what is known as hypergymnasia (I call it exercise anorexia...it's a thing), and I became obsessed with the elliptical machine at the tiny tiny Cottey College gym. I also started doing pilates and yoga everyday, along with my elliptical journey across the universe. I don't know about you, but if I'm on a machine at a gym, I have to end on all even numbers...this can lead to like 58 minutes on a treadmill just so that the dreaded odd numbers are left in the forgotten wasteland of the waistland. Anyway, I worked out obsessively (if not compulsively), and I ate like a rabbit but at the end of my freshman year, I had *lost* the freshman 20, and I looked bangin'. Thus began my downward spiral into becoming a woman. I decided that I loved working out, and I especially loved doing yoga because it didn't involve numbers. Math is hard.  

I don't work out obsessively or compulsively anymore, and the elliptical makes my feet fall asleep so I fekkin hate those things now. Pilates makes my hip pop. However! I still love yoga, and in my opinion (based on a decade of trying to do crow pose and still. not. effing. getting it), it is one of the best things I can do for my body. I can do a lot of shit - I can not do shakti kicks. I can write a 5 page research paper in 2 hours. I can not touch my heels to the ground in downward facing dog. I can teach Great Expectations to seniors in high school (or can I? Time will tell - it's only the second week). I can not do warrior 3 without shaking.  

But guess what? I don't give a shit. Yoga is such an individual thing, and it allows one to set personal goals over time, while still challenging the body and mind to the point that you might not even notice if your goal is met because it becomes just another part of your practice (I CAN do a lot of poses...crow pose is stupid, anyway. I don't even want to do it. Yes I do...frick). I'm not flexible, but I try. I'm not that strong in the arm area ("weak" is how most experts would describe my guns), but I try. I also do not have a yoga butt, butt I try. I feel so good after doing yoga - even if it's only for 20 minutes, and that's what I love about the internet - yoga is at my fingertips, and I can practice anytime I want. I am not a fan of classes because, well...

I laughed (out loud! lol) in a class because someone farted and I got such the stinkeye from this gal next to me (it was probably she who dealt it) - but I can't help it. Farts are funny, any anyone who doesn't agree is just a poop. I hate feeling like I have to hold in a fart during a class - that's not what yoga is about. It's about the yoga pants. I mean, it's about restoration, inner strength, and yoga pants. So I practice alone. In my room. Where I can fart away and giggle without shame! #yesallfarts

If you're on the cusp of trying yoga, I say if not now, when? It's so simple to just try it - you have the internet (I know this, because you're reading a blog right meow), and you have a a floor, so try it. I've mentioned my faves before, but if you're looking for a place to start, check out Yoga with Adriene . I just did day 13 of the 30 day challenge and I felt so good when I finished that I just had to write about it. Who knew that something as simple as breathing and balancing could make us feel like we can do anything? Personally, I'm going to go take a shower - because while I washed 3 weeks worth of laundry yesterday, I failed to wash me. Now I'm inspired to bathe, and that's just fantastic (suck it, 18th century peasants - I have running water and a shower pouf - huzzah!). 

Yoga is something I'll keep doing until I'm old and knobby, and hey, maybe by the time I'm 90 I'll be able to do ALL the poses - but along the way, I know that I'll enjoy the heck out of it because I can yoga, and you can, too. Except T-Rex. He can't yoga. 

Day 13, In which I dreamt about carbs

So on the Whole30 website, there's an article that describes all the phases one goes through during the challenge. I mentioned earlier that there's a phase called "Kill ALL the Things," and I totally felt that one - I wanted to rage on my students, and I had this intense need to just be alone because EVERYTHING bothered me for about two days. It was very un-Shano-like, and kind of fun to see what I'm like as a b-word :) Anyway, these past few days, I've been in the phase of dreaming about food, and I didn't think it would happen to me...until last night. I had a horrible dream (Nightmare on Carb Street) that I was eating pizza, chips, and I even had wine! It sounds like a glorious time to my inner Augustus Gloop, but my Whole30 self spent the rest of the dream stressed the f*ck out because I didn't know how to hide the fact that I was eating carbs. Apparently, in my dream, there were Whole30 police combing the area or something, because the paranoia felt very real. I woke up freaking out because I thought I had to start my 30 days over again, and while I'm not hating this month of clean eating....I just *really* don't want to start over. *Really.* 

This dream may be in conjunction with my Thursday night volunteer extravaganza - I'm chaperoning a trip to Spain this spring, and I helped bus tables at this wonderful place called the Pizza Ranch. It's a pizza buffet. A PIZZA. BUFFET. Do you know how hard it is to be in the same room as your favorite food in the entire world (there was ice cream, too. Kill me.) and not eat it? They had Mac and Cheese Pizza. I didn't even know that was a thing, and despite the fact that I know I'm not supposed to eat stuff like that, I couldn't help walking by it like 10 times, just to get drunk on pizza fumes. I actually talked to a gal that worked at this Ranch for Pizzas, and while I was contemplating ways to rustle myself a slice of caramel-apple-dessert pizza, she told me about a similar diet that she was on. She took a break over the holidays to eat yummy stuff and drink, and she said she'd never felt more sick in her life and it took her a few days to recover. Just from one day of eating all of the delicious, over processed, sugary things that are non-compliant, she had three days of feeling like she was going to shit her pants. So - while I would love to indulge and say, "screw it - I've worked hard, I'm almost half-way through! Gimmie that cookie. NOW," I don't want to suffer the consequences of pants-shitting for three days. Also, our conversation made me really nervous for what happens when my 30 days are up. I'm supposed to start incorporating foods back into my diet to see what my body can handle, and I'm terrified that I have issues with carbs - seriously, number-one fear right now. I can't live with out bread. I NEED crackers. Beer is sweet nectar, and pizza...god dammit, if I can't have delicious pizza from a buffet, then really, what will become the shining light in my world? Glu-ehn free? Nooooooooooooo! 


"She doesn't know what gluten is, but she *doesn't do it."*" - Iliza Shelsinger is HIGHlarious. 



Well, here's hoping that I make it to the half-way point without another nightmare...although, it was nice to shove Doritos in my mouth, even if they were sub-conscious Doritos (dipped in sub-conscious sour cream. So sub-conscious delicious). 

I did it! Well, a week of it...

I completed a week with no cheats! Yay, I'm awesome and I feel awesome and I didn't starve! 

I did break one major rule, however. It is VERY hard for me to not weigh myself each morning. I'm going to have to move the scale to the spare bedroom because I just have to know. I have to know how much I weigh or else I feel like a...lack of control, maybe? It isn't just a habit at this point, it's like, ingrained in my psyche and I really do tie the numbers on the scale to how my day will go. Yes, that is sad. Yes, that is messed up. No, I do not ever plan on talking about my weight in front of my (very. very. very. distant. might not ever happen because kids are horrible.) daughter (or son...but...ew.). But! even though I know I'm not supposed to know or care,  I lost 5 pounds this first week. That means I was carrying around 5 pounds of like, shitty food and unhealthy calories and WINE. Ah, yes, wine - my dear friend, I miss you so! I really do feel great - and get this: I've been burping significantly less, and usually I'm fluffing alllll day long and uncomfortable because I have to poop at work, and THAT'S GROSS. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT POOP AT SCHOOL. Anyway, my digestive system is on lock right now, so it's actually making me consider this whole lifestyle as like a long-term option. Ok, ok, I can't not have cheese and wine and chocolate - but damn, there are chemicals in EVERYTHING, y'all! Even at the organic-y, health-foodie-type grocery store in town, it was really hard for me to find things that only have simple ingredients. Out of curiosity, I decided to check out all of the vegan-marketed stuff, and you know what? Didn't look good. Looked gross. Looked like sugar substitutes and $12 for vegan, organic, non-peanut peanut butter. To quote Macklemore (because it's kiss a ginger day), "I call that getting swindled and pimped. I call that getting tricked by a business." Yeah, I can go without the organic shit, thank you - I'm on a budget, bitch. It's probably better for me, but I'll go fully organic when I'm married to a doctor. Teachers shop in the bargain bin, and that don't include a $1.50 cucumber (yes, I bought a cucumber for $1.50....fml). 

So I mentioned before that I haven't been starving - in fact, I've been eating rather well. Tonight, I made sweet potato chippy like thingies, and home-made guacamole and it was marvelous! And last night, I made a bunch of chicken for my salads, and the egg bake thing I made is still freaking delicious. I also ventured into a new type of salad dressing thanks to my friend Sally making me a Whole30-compliant dinner. She actually researched online about Whole30 and what I can/can't eat, and made chicken and a kale salad and a fruit salad - it was great! Everyone else ate ribs and corn muffins (ahhhh I wanted that muffin!), but it was great because I didn't feel isolated. See, no one is an island - our people will support us if they know that we're serious about it - and I can't shut up about it because it's just how I am. I don't know what I'll do if I have to go out for dinner (assuming some one asks me out to dinner in the next 22 days...outlook is doubtful), besides taking my own salad dressing and just trying my best. I can do that - I can do that very easily. I just have to remember that I don't want to ruin all the hard work I've been doing just so I can have a glass of wine. Don't wanna start over. Not gonna start over. 30 days isn't that long, and I really enjoy not wanting to poop at work. It is nice. 

Here is a picture of the dairy-free tzatziki sauce I made (got the recipe on the Whole30 website):

And tonight, I made sweet potato chips and home-made guac (basically just a mashed-up avocado with salt and pepper. I could eat avocados ALL the day totally plain, so, yummers), and it was possibly the best thing I've ever done: 

Also, because I didn't post it earlier, I thought I'd post a picture of what my fridge looked like when I first cleaned it out ...

 and what it looks like at the beginning of week two - everything in there is yummy and healthy, and I can't wait to freakin' eat it! 

Oh - and I love water - I mean it, I do. I love chugging it, and I love that feeling when I first take a big ol' gulp first thing in the morning. I also love that I'm not addicted to coffee, because, again - tastes like a butt. However, I wanted to find juice that I could drink so that if I wanted another option, I could have a wee glass of juice. Does anyone else drink juice in wee glasses? I think that's a McLaughlin thing - thanks, dad! Anyway, I did find 100% juice from Knudsen's, and it's called Razzleberry, and even if you're not interested in Whole30 at all, you should still go out and try this juice. It's called Razzleberry, for Christ's sake. TRY IT. 

Ok, I feel like if I talk any more about what I've been consuming, I'm going to want to finish off those sweet potato chips I made for dinner. I shall end here and start working on school stuff because, you know, TEACHING NEVER STOPS. Gotta gotta get up to get down. 

Whole30 Day 3...I want chocolate

The title says it all. 

I seriously can't believe how much I thought about chocolate today, and I know that the only reason behind this is that I CAN'T HAVE IT. One of my cheerleaders ate a chocolate chip cookie right before practice today, and I almost ripped it out of her hands. I could SMELL the Hershey's Kisses that my roommate ate tonight.

I know that the cravings are about to kill me - I'm only on day three, and I was SUPER tired and got a headache last night...just like this little article told me I would. Now I'm heading into "Kill ALL The Things" phase, so I've warned my students that I might be a big B-word in the next couple of days, just so they know that it's not them; IT'S CHOCOLATE. 

I actually haven't been feeling that different. I didn't drink coffee before because it tastes like a butt, and I hadn't had a Diet Coke in a few days (I have cut back tremendously on the Diet Coke. At one point in my life, I was drinking like 3 a day because that shit is delicious, and no, Diet Pepsi is not the same). Really, if I think about the stuff that I had been eating right before I started this...well, it was Christmastime, so there was booze, booze, cookies, bread, cheese, more booze, some more cheese, oh, and one last round of booze. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm like, "nah, 2 beers is good for me, thanks" instead of, "I've only had 2 beers...wanna take a shot?" Someday....maybe when I'm a grown up? 

In other news, I made another delicious dinner tonight consisting of beef and veggies. Yes, that is right, I made something that had beef in it. I'm proud of myself, too! 

And last night - last night I cooked asparagus! Damn, Gina! I think next week I'm going to put chicken in my salad each day for lunch because I'm getting WAY too hungry at the end of the day. I think I need more protein with mah veggies, and I also think I need a god damn chocolate chip cookie. Nope, I'm fine...I'll just...have some more water and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. And dream of cookies. 

Day One: Done

Well, I made it through my first Whole30 day, and it wasn't turrible. 

I made this really awesome eggbake thingy last night that I'm going to have for breakfast all week, and honestly, it was hard to not eat all of it when I took it out of the oven. Delish! I used EVOO instead of coconut oil, but now I have coconut oil so I'm gonna use the CRAP out of it. It tastes like heaven, and it made my chicken taste like chicken heaven tonight. I actually made acorn squash, too - I'm like, making shit now. I would take pictures of it and throw it up on Instagram, but I'm not quite to that level of dedication towards mah food. Also, I start eating it before I can take a picture, sooo...#screwit. 

The major thing that threw me today, besides the fact that it was the first day back from break and *everything* sucked, is that I got really hungry, and that I couldn't go get candy from our school secretary, or go to the vending machine. Or eat the Altoids in my desk. MUST. PACK. SNACKS. TOMORROW. I've got almonds with no anything on them (surprisingly tasty, even if a bit boring), and I got those carrots on lock, y'all - I have to remember to eat during 4th period, or else I shall cheat. I had a delicious spinach salad with HOMEMADE raspberry vinaigrette (huzzah!). Also, I chugged water like a champ today, but that's something I always do, so yay me, my pee is clear. :) 

I'm looking forward to making some sweet potato + avacado stuff tomorrow night, and I hope that by next week, I'll be more willing to try more recipes, but I'm really not good in the kitchen - an intimidating factor for this particular non-diet. I actually have to get my ass off the couch and do something more than microwave a hot pocket and eat chips and salsa. Dammit, now I want that hot pocket. I can't wait till my cravings for processed foods leave this place and go back from whence they came! Foul wretches! Seriously, I do look forward to the day when I really do want to eat good, natural food more often than not. I CAN DO IT. 

It's 11pm, but I still have to do Yoga - something that I laid out in my goals for the month. I'm a HUGE fan of Sadie Nardini and Yoga With Adriene, so I'm just gonna do my lil' videos all by myself in my room where no one can see me and no one can judge me on my form or the fact that I fluff almost constantly the entire time I Yoga. Adriene has a 30 day challenge, and I figure, hey - this could be fun. And Sadie has this thing called HITT Yoga, and it burns like a bitch, it's hard, it's sweaty, and it's only like 12 minutes. That's my kind of workout. 

I'm going to try REALLY hard not to weigh myself tomorrow morning, but it's a habit, and it's incredibly hard to break. We shall see. 

Word to your moms. 

I made a Vidja.

This is what it takes to get ready for Whole30.

THINK YOU CAN DO IT?!
...you're probably correct in that assumption.
Anyway, this is my first attempt at tracking my progress via moving pictures.
Enjoy!

#whole30 preparation devestation

In the spirit of new beginnings, and to quote the philosophical genius Iggy Azalea, "I'ma change yo life, I'ma change it. I'ma change yo' life life." 

I'm used to dealin' with basic bitches. 

I've decided to take the plunge and check out the Whole30 stuff I've been reading so much about. No, really - I've been reading. I even bought the book! Granted, I bought it back in July, but whatever. Shanda Bears move at a slow and leisurely pace. Anyway, I got to thinking, and I thought to myself, "Self, didn't you say you wanted to live to 100? Do you really think that all of this wine and those delicious cookies are going to help you do that?" And I responded, and I said, "Shut up, whore. These Christmas cookies taste like North Pole perfection, and I shall not stop at 5. I must have 10." My inner-self is kind of a huge bitch. 

Sooooo...flash forward to the next day when I watched a shit-ton (metric) of videos about people who had literally changed their lives by following the Whole30 program, and I figured that if they can do it, I can do it. At least for 30 days, right? This fall, I tried the Tracy Anderson program, and while I toned the eff up and finally got a booty droppin' booty....the meal plan was TORTURE. I basically had to be anorexic and work out way too much and I did.not.like.it. Anyway, I did that for like 8 weeks before I quit, so I do have *some* dedication in my bones. I lost 10 pounds and then gained 5 back immediately, so I also have some bacon in my bones. The point is, I don't want to go on a diet, and I don't want to push myself so hard that I hate working out in order to change my life, I'ma change it. I've also been have some whackadoodle digestive issues (read: I burp like Charlie Bucket and that asshole Grandpa Charlie after they realize it's the only way to get down from the ceiling...it's like a constant stream of burps all the day. Not normal. Must fix), so I'm hoping that eating cleaner lends itself to some regulation and some burp banishment. 

I set goals. I printed out stuff. I cleaned out my fridge. I'm effing ready, and I'm gonna rock this shit. My two biggest challenges will be that I can't have booze and I can't weigh myself. I'm the type of person who weighs herself after she poops, so this will be hard. Actually - I'm not looking to lose a ton of weight, because I know that just by taking the crap out of my diet, my weight will change. But, like I said earlier, I want to live to be 100, and if this is what it takes to get started on my long, winding path towards becoming a crazy old woman...so be it. Also, I will die with all of my own teeth. Went to the dentist today, and I don't even have ONE cavity. Boom. Although, I do have some gingivitis issues, but it's not gingervitis, so I'm ok. Everything is OK. 

Alright. I'm officially starting on Monday, and I'm going grocery shopping on Sunday. I have to go to bball games tomorrow *and* cheer practice, so I have no time to think of myself. I must think of the children. So: January 5th, I'm gonna come at you like a Spider Monkey. 

Thank you for reading my blog. You probably smell really good.