I'm used to dealin' with basic bitches.
I've decided to take the plunge and check out the Whole30 stuff I've been reading so much about. No, really - I've been reading. I even bought the book! Granted, I bought it back in July, but whatever. Shanda Bears move at a slow and leisurely pace. Anyway, I got to thinking, and I thought to myself, "Self, didn't you say you wanted to live to 100? Do you really think that all of this wine and those delicious cookies are going to help you do that?" And I responded, and I said, "Shut up, whore. These Christmas cookies taste like North Pole perfection, and I shall not stop at 5. I must have 10." My inner-self is kind of a huge bitch.
Sooooo...flash forward to the next day when I watched a shit-ton (metric) of videos about people who had literally changed their lives by following the Whole30 program, and I figured that if they can do it, I can do it. At least for 30 days, right? This fall, I tried the Tracy Anderson program, and while I toned the eff up and finally got a booty droppin' booty....the meal plan was TORTURE. I basically had to be anorexic and work out way too much and I did.not.like.it. Anyway, I did that for like 8 weeks before I quit, so I do have *some* dedication in my bones. I lost 10 pounds and then gained 5 back immediately, so I also have some bacon in my bones. The point is, I don't want to go on a diet, and I don't want to push myself so hard that I hate working out in order to change my life, I'ma change it. I've also been have some whackadoodle digestive issues (read: I burp like Charlie Bucket and that asshole Grandpa Charlie after they realize it's the only way to get down from the ceiling...it's like a constant stream of burps all the day. Not normal. Must fix), so I'm hoping that eating cleaner lends itself to some regulation and some burp banishment.
I set goals. I printed out stuff. I cleaned out my fridge. I'm effing ready, and I'm gonna rock this shit. My two biggest challenges will be that I can't have booze and I can't weigh myself. I'm the type of person who weighs herself after she poops, so this will be hard. Actually - I'm not looking to lose a ton of weight, because I know that just by taking the crap out of my diet, my weight will change. But, like I said earlier, I want to live to be 100, and if this is what it takes to get started on my long, winding path towards becoming a crazy old woman...so be it. Also, I will die with all of my own teeth. Went to the dentist today, and I don't even have ONE cavity. Boom. Although, I do have some gingivitis issues, but it's not gingervitis, so I'm ok. Everything is OK.
Alright. I'm officially starting on Monday, and I'm going grocery shopping on Sunday. I have to go to bball games tomorrow *and* cheer practice, so I have no time to think of myself. I must think of the children. So: January 5th, I'm gonna come at you like a Spider Monkey.
Thank you for reading my blog. You probably smell really good.
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