Progress Report: Day 20

Greetings! It's the end of day 20 for me, and the end of this week was kind of shitty, to be honest. First, I sliced the absolute SHIT out of my thumb, then I gained 3 pounds, and then I decided that I hate my job and had a mini existential crisis in my brain. 

It all started on a dark and dismal Wednesday night....

Roommate wanted to see if she could make food that was Whole30 compliant, and I was like - cool, let's do it! I wanted to make those delicious sweet potato things I made earlier, and now I have a coolbeans mandolin to help me slice stuff....like my finger. It was bad. It was real bad. Luckily, my roommate was calm as a cucumber and reassured me that no, I did not leave the top half of my thumb on the counter, and yes, there was a lot of blood so I should probably NOT LOOK AT IT. I finally took a gander on Friday morning out of curiosity, and I did *not* like what I saw....because I saw this: SICK! 

Lesson learned: Don't get cocky when you slice vegetables. 

There was another downside to that fateful night, and that was the unfortunate combination of brussel sprouts (read: fiber) and the fact that, even though I love her to death and will always be indebted to her for saving my thumb's life, roommate is generous with the fats. I usually use either 1) non-stick cooking spray or 2) a cap-full of olive oil when I coat the pan....she used a  rather large amount for only one chicken breast (it was special for me because the other chicken got milk and butter and cream cheese). Also, I where I drizzle, she pours. She uses real butter, and I'm pretty sure I haven't had real butter since some random Christmas dinner in the last decade. We come from totally different food-prep backgrounds, and the last time I watched her make potato soup she put an entire package of cream cheese in it, and I had a mini-anxiety attack. I just...I can't. 

Anyway, I think I just got a bit too much EVOO and brussel sprouts that night, even though my dinner was like, off the chain delicious and I officially love brussel sprouts now...

...I felt wretched the next day. First day since I started that I had the burps, and I just felt puffy. And because of my obsession with the scale, I of course had to weigh myself, and a 3 pound gain overnight just doesn't seem right during a month-long adventure of clean eating and feeling like a rockstar. Usually if I gain 3 pounds overnight, it's 3 pounds worth of booze, just sayin'. Wait, that would be me feeling like a rockstar - minus the coke-nose, of course. :)

And so, with my disgusting thumb and my "why do I feel like shit?" days, I felt animosity toward everyone and everything. It was like I was in "Kill ALL the Things!" phase again, and I did not like it, Sam I Am - I did not like Green Eggs and I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. It was rough - I had become accustom to feeling so great each day, like I could take on the world and truly enjoy raw almonds (never would have guessed that!), so when I felt "off" all of the sudden, it was very very noticeable. Crap, is this what it's going to be like when I end my 30 days? Because I don't wanna! Maybe I'll go for 45 days and use those extra 2 weeks to really plan how I'm going to approach eating in the near future. Dang, I might even make that Whole30 Mayo that everyone raves about - new food adventures! New life adventures! When will it be February, because January is dragging its ASS... adventures! 

P.S. I watched the ice skating thing that was on TV tonight, and the girls that took first and second place legit skated to Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera....coincidence? Probably. Proof that everything I love is awesome? Definitely. 

Halfway There: Past the Point of No Return

If you're like me, you love musical theater. I'm sorry - theatre. And if you're like me, you can pretty much associate anything you're going through to a song or a scene from a play/movie. So, as I woke up today, feeling fresh as a daisy and ready to take on the world, I realized that I've officially passed the midway point - I'm on day 16, and...

 again, with the musicals. 

I sauteed freakin' mushrooms and onions (AND zucchini!) last night like a culinary boss. I found coconut oil in a spray can so I can save the stuff in the jar for big projects (you know, like eating it with a spoon because it's essentially coconut flavored lard and I want to bathe in it). I prepare stuff for the week on Sunday. I HAVEN'T CHEATED. Guess how long it usually takes me before breaking on a typical Shano diet adventure? About a day. Maybe. I can find *any* reason to eat chocolate and drink wine or say, "F*ck it. It's Friday." But not this time, betch! I can hardly believe it myself, but I haven't wanted to jump the tracks on this thing - I mean, I feel good! I can see and feel the benefits of Whole30 and it is most definitely causing me to stay on course. This is like, a revolution - let's take that one to the next metaphor level, and say that my willpower and dedication are the guillotine, and sugar is the bourgeois pig getting the chop. VIVE LA RESISTANCE! 

Now that I'm officially in it to win it, I'm looking forward to the next two weeks of feeling awesome and gaining more insight into healthy foods and clean eating. It's not going to be easy to transition back to drinking Wine...did I just capitalize that? Yes, yes I did.Wine is now a proper noun, and it makes me a happy Shanda Bear...and adding some foods back into my diet. However, now that I know I can accept a challenge and actually make a valiant effort rather than poop out after a day, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. Cue the clip of me crying over a block of cheddar with Ritz fragments on my face and a 40 in my hands. 

Slainte! (That's what I say when I toast to my friends with my Night Cheese)

Why I love yoga (and why yoga loves me)

The first time I tried yoga, I was a freshman in college. I was young, optimistic, and I really *really* hated working out. However, I developed what is known as hypergymnasia (I call it exercise anorexia...it's a thing), and I became obsessed with the elliptical machine at the tiny tiny Cottey College gym. I also started doing pilates and yoga everyday, along with my elliptical journey across the universe. I don't know about you, but if I'm on a machine at a gym, I have to end on all even numbers...this can lead to like 58 minutes on a treadmill just so that the dreaded odd numbers are left in the forgotten wasteland of the waistland. Anyway, I worked out obsessively (if not compulsively), and I ate like a rabbit but at the end of my freshman year, I had *lost* the freshman 20, and I looked bangin'. Thus began my downward spiral into becoming a woman. I decided that I loved working out, and I especially loved doing yoga because it didn't involve numbers. Math is hard.  

I don't work out obsessively or compulsively anymore, and the elliptical makes my feet fall asleep so I fekkin hate those things now. Pilates makes my hip pop. However! I still love yoga, and in my opinion (based on a decade of trying to do crow pose and still. not. effing. getting it), it is one of the best things I can do for my body. I can do a lot of shit - I can not do shakti kicks. I can write a 5 page research paper in 2 hours. I can not touch my heels to the ground in downward facing dog. I can teach Great Expectations to seniors in high school (or can I? Time will tell - it's only the second week). I can not do warrior 3 without shaking.  

But guess what? I don't give a shit. Yoga is such an individual thing, and it allows one to set personal goals over time, while still challenging the body and mind to the point that you might not even notice if your goal is met because it becomes just another part of your practice (I CAN do a lot of poses...crow pose is stupid, anyway. I don't even want to do it. Yes I do...frick). I'm not flexible, but I try. I'm not that strong in the arm area ("weak" is how most experts would describe my guns), but I try. I also do not have a yoga butt, butt I try. I feel so good after doing yoga - even if it's only for 20 minutes, and that's what I love about the internet - yoga is at my fingertips, and I can practice anytime I want. I am not a fan of classes because, well...

I laughed (out loud! lol) in a class because someone farted and I got such the stinkeye from this gal next to me (it was probably she who dealt it) - but I can't help it. Farts are funny, any anyone who doesn't agree is just a poop. I hate feeling like I have to hold in a fart during a class - that's not what yoga is about. It's about the yoga pants. I mean, it's about restoration, inner strength, and yoga pants. So I practice alone. In my room. Where I can fart away and giggle without shame! #yesallfarts

If you're on the cusp of trying yoga, I say if not now, when? It's so simple to just try it - you have the internet (I know this, because you're reading a blog right meow), and you have a a floor, so try it. I've mentioned my faves before, but if you're looking for a place to start, check out Yoga with Adriene . I just did day 13 of the 30 day challenge and I felt so good when I finished that I just had to write about it. Who knew that something as simple as breathing and balancing could make us feel like we can do anything? Personally, I'm going to go take a shower - because while I washed 3 weeks worth of laundry yesterday, I failed to wash me. Now I'm inspired to bathe, and that's just fantastic (suck it, 18th century peasants - I have running water and a shower pouf - huzzah!). 

Yoga is something I'll keep doing until I'm old and knobby, and hey, maybe by the time I'm 90 I'll be able to do ALL the poses - but along the way, I know that I'll enjoy the heck out of it because I can yoga, and you can, too. Except T-Rex. He can't yoga. 

Day 13, In which I dreamt about carbs

So on the Whole30 website, there's an article that describes all the phases one goes through during the challenge. I mentioned earlier that there's a phase called "Kill ALL the Things," and I totally felt that one - I wanted to rage on my students, and I had this intense need to just be alone because EVERYTHING bothered me for about two days. It was very un-Shano-like, and kind of fun to see what I'm like as a b-word :) Anyway, these past few days, I've been in the phase of dreaming about food, and I didn't think it would happen to me...until last night. I had a horrible dream (Nightmare on Carb Street) that I was eating pizza, chips, and I even had wine! It sounds like a glorious time to my inner Augustus Gloop, but my Whole30 self spent the rest of the dream stressed the f*ck out because I didn't know how to hide the fact that I was eating carbs. Apparently, in my dream, there were Whole30 police combing the area or something, because the paranoia felt very real. I woke up freaking out because I thought I had to start my 30 days over again, and while I'm not hating this month of clean eating....I just *really* don't want to start over. *Really.* 

This dream may be in conjunction with my Thursday night volunteer extravaganza - I'm chaperoning a trip to Spain this spring, and I helped bus tables at this wonderful place called the Pizza Ranch. It's a pizza buffet. A PIZZA. BUFFET. Do you know how hard it is to be in the same room as your favorite food in the entire world (there was ice cream, too. Kill me.) and not eat it? They had Mac and Cheese Pizza. I didn't even know that was a thing, and despite the fact that I know I'm not supposed to eat stuff like that, I couldn't help walking by it like 10 times, just to get drunk on pizza fumes. I actually talked to a gal that worked at this Ranch for Pizzas, and while I was contemplating ways to rustle myself a slice of caramel-apple-dessert pizza, she told me about a similar diet that she was on. She took a break over the holidays to eat yummy stuff and drink, and she said she'd never felt more sick in her life and it took her a few days to recover. Just from one day of eating all of the delicious, over processed, sugary things that are non-compliant, she had three days of feeling like she was going to shit her pants. So - while I would love to indulge and say, "screw it - I've worked hard, I'm almost half-way through! Gimmie that cookie. NOW," I don't want to suffer the consequences of pants-shitting for three days. Also, our conversation made me really nervous for what happens when my 30 days are up. I'm supposed to start incorporating foods back into my diet to see what my body can handle, and I'm terrified that I have issues with carbs - seriously, number-one fear right now. I can't live with out bread. I NEED crackers. Beer is sweet nectar, and pizza...god dammit, if I can't have delicious pizza from a buffet, then really, what will become the shining light in my world? Glu-ehn free? Nooooooooooooo! 


"She doesn't know what gluten is, but she *doesn't do it."*" - Iliza Shelsinger is HIGHlarious. 



Well, here's hoping that I make it to the half-way point without another nightmare...although, it was nice to shove Doritos in my mouth, even if they were sub-conscious Doritos (dipped in sub-conscious sour cream. So sub-conscious delicious). 

I did it! Well, a week of it...

I completed a week with no cheats! Yay, I'm awesome and I feel awesome and I didn't starve! 

I did break one major rule, however. It is VERY hard for me to not weigh myself each morning. I'm going to have to move the scale to the spare bedroom because I just have to know. I have to know how much I weigh or else I feel like a...lack of control, maybe? It isn't just a habit at this point, it's like, ingrained in my psyche and I really do tie the numbers on the scale to how my day will go. Yes, that is sad. Yes, that is messed up. No, I do not ever plan on talking about my weight in front of my (very. very. very. distant. might not ever happen because kids are horrible.) daughter (or son...but...ew.). But! even though I know I'm not supposed to know or care,  I lost 5 pounds this first week. That means I was carrying around 5 pounds of like, shitty food and unhealthy calories and WINE. Ah, yes, wine - my dear friend, I miss you so! I really do feel great - and get this: I've been burping significantly less, and usually I'm fluffing alllll day long and uncomfortable because I have to poop at work, and THAT'S GROSS. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT POOP AT SCHOOL. Anyway, my digestive system is on lock right now, so it's actually making me consider this whole lifestyle as like a long-term option. Ok, ok, I can't not have cheese and wine and chocolate - but damn, there are chemicals in EVERYTHING, y'all! Even at the organic-y, health-foodie-type grocery store in town, it was really hard for me to find things that only have simple ingredients. Out of curiosity, I decided to check out all of the vegan-marketed stuff, and you know what? Didn't look good. Looked gross. Looked like sugar substitutes and $12 for vegan, organic, non-peanut peanut butter. To quote Macklemore (because it's kiss a ginger day), "I call that getting swindled and pimped. I call that getting tricked by a business." Yeah, I can go without the organic shit, thank you - I'm on a budget, bitch. It's probably better for me, but I'll go fully organic when I'm married to a doctor. Teachers shop in the bargain bin, and that don't include a $1.50 cucumber (yes, I bought a cucumber for $1.50....fml). 

So I mentioned before that I haven't been starving - in fact, I've been eating rather well. Tonight, I made sweet potato chippy like thingies, and home-made guacamole and it was marvelous! And last night, I made a bunch of chicken for my salads, and the egg bake thing I made is still freaking delicious. I also ventured into a new type of salad dressing thanks to my friend Sally making me a Whole30-compliant dinner. She actually researched online about Whole30 and what I can/can't eat, and made chicken and a kale salad and a fruit salad - it was great! Everyone else ate ribs and corn muffins (ahhhh I wanted that muffin!), but it was great because I didn't feel isolated. See, no one is an island - our people will support us if they know that we're serious about it - and I can't shut up about it because it's just how I am. I don't know what I'll do if I have to go out for dinner (assuming some one asks me out to dinner in the next 22 days...outlook is doubtful), besides taking my own salad dressing and just trying my best. I can do that - I can do that very easily. I just have to remember that I don't want to ruin all the hard work I've been doing just so I can have a glass of wine. Don't wanna start over. Not gonna start over. 30 days isn't that long, and I really enjoy not wanting to poop at work. It is nice. 

Here is a picture of the dairy-free tzatziki sauce I made (got the recipe on the Whole30 website):

And tonight, I made sweet potato chips and home-made guac (basically just a mashed-up avocado with salt and pepper. I could eat avocados ALL the day totally plain, so, yummers), and it was possibly the best thing I've ever done: 

Also, because I didn't post it earlier, I thought I'd post a picture of what my fridge looked like when I first cleaned it out ...

 and what it looks like at the beginning of week two - everything in there is yummy and healthy, and I can't wait to freakin' eat it! 

Oh - and I love water - I mean it, I do. I love chugging it, and I love that feeling when I first take a big ol' gulp first thing in the morning. I also love that I'm not addicted to coffee, because, again - tastes like a butt. However, I wanted to find juice that I could drink so that if I wanted another option, I could have a wee glass of juice. Does anyone else drink juice in wee glasses? I think that's a McLaughlin thing - thanks, dad! Anyway, I did find 100% juice from Knudsen's, and it's called Razzleberry, and even if you're not interested in Whole30 at all, you should still go out and try this juice. It's called Razzleberry, for Christ's sake. TRY IT. 

Ok, I feel like if I talk any more about what I've been consuming, I'm going to want to finish off those sweet potato chips I made for dinner. I shall end here and start working on school stuff because, you know, TEACHING NEVER STOPS. Gotta gotta get up to get down. 

Whole30 Day 3...I want chocolate

The title says it all. 

I seriously can't believe how much I thought about chocolate today, and I know that the only reason behind this is that I CAN'T HAVE IT. One of my cheerleaders ate a chocolate chip cookie right before practice today, and I almost ripped it out of her hands. I could SMELL the Hershey's Kisses that my roommate ate tonight.

I know that the cravings are about to kill me - I'm only on day three, and I was SUPER tired and got a headache last night...just like this little article told me I would. Now I'm heading into "Kill ALL The Things" phase, so I've warned my students that I might be a big B-word in the next couple of days, just so they know that it's not them; IT'S CHOCOLATE. 

I actually haven't been feeling that different. I didn't drink coffee before because it tastes like a butt, and I hadn't had a Diet Coke in a few days (I have cut back tremendously on the Diet Coke. At one point in my life, I was drinking like 3 a day because that shit is delicious, and no, Diet Pepsi is not the same). Really, if I think about the stuff that I had been eating right before I started this...well, it was Christmastime, so there was booze, booze, cookies, bread, cheese, more booze, some more cheese, oh, and one last round of booze. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm like, "nah, 2 beers is good for me, thanks" instead of, "I've only had 2 beers...wanna take a shot?" Someday....maybe when I'm a grown up? 

In other news, I made another delicious dinner tonight consisting of beef and veggies. Yes, that is right, I made something that had beef in it. I'm proud of myself, too! 

And last night - last night I cooked asparagus! Damn, Gina! I think next week I'm going to put chicken in my salad each day for lunch because I'm getting WAY too hungry at the end of the day. I think I need more protein with mah veggies, and I also think I need a god damn chocolate chip cookie. Nope, I'm fine...I'll just...have some more water and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. And dream of cookies. 

Day One: Done

Well, I made it through my first Whole30 day, and it wasn't turrible. 

I made this really awesome eggbake thingy last night that I'm going to have for breakfast all week, and honestly, it was hard to not eat all of it when I took it out of the oven. Delish! I used EVOO instead of coconut oil, but now I have coconut oil so I'm gonna use the CRAP out of it. It tastes like heaven, and it made my chicken taste like chicken heaven tonight. I actually made acorn squash, too - I'm like, making shit now. I would take pictures of it and throw it up on Instagram, but I'm not quite to that level of dedication towards mah food. Also, I start eating it before I can take a picture, sooo...#screwit. 

The major thing that threw me today, besides the fact that it was the first day back from break and *everything* sucked, is that I got really hungry, and that I couldn't go get candy from our school secretary, or go to the vending machine. Or eat the Altoids in my desk. MUST. PACK. SNACKS. TOMORROW. I've got almonds with no anything on them (surprisingly tasty, even if a bit boring), and I got those carrots on lock, y'all - I have to remember to eat during 4th period, or else I shall cheat. I had a delicious spinach salad with HOMEMADE raspberry vinaigrette (huzzah!). Also, I chugged water like a champ today, but that's something I always do, so yay me, my pee is clear. :) 

I'm looking forward to making some sweet potato + avacado stuff tomorrow night, and I hope that by next week, I'll be more willing to try more recipes, but I'm really not good in the kitchen - an intimidating factor for this particular non-diet. I actually have to get my ass off the couch and do something more than microwave a hot pocket and eat chips and salsa. Dammit, now I want that hot pocket. I can't wait till my cravings for processed foods leave this place and go back from whence they came! Foul wretches! Seriously, I do look forward to the day when I really do want to eat good, natural food more often than not. I CAN DO IT. 

It's 11pm, but I still have to do Yoga - something that I laid out in my goals for the month. I'm a HUGE fan of Sadie Nardini and Yoga With Adriene, so I'm just gonna do my lil' videos all by myself in my room where no one can see me and no one can judge me on my form or the fact that I fluff almost constantly the entire time I Yoga. Adriene has a 30 day challenge, and I figure, hey - this could be fun. And Sadie has this thing called HITT Yoga, and it burns like a bitch, it's hard, it's sweaty, and it's only like 12 minutes. That's my kind of workout. 

I'm going to try REALLY hard not to weigh myself tomorrow morning, but it's a habit, and it's incredibly hard to break. We shall see. 

Word to your moms. 

I made a Vidja.

This is what it takes to get ready for Whole30.

THINK YOU CAN DO IT?!
...you're probably correct in that assumption.
Anyway, this is my first attempt at tracking my progress via moving pictures.
Enjoy!

#whole30 preparation devestation

In the spirit of new beginnings, and to quote the philosophical genius Iggy Azalea, "I'ma change yo life, I'ma change it. I'ma change yo' life life." 

I'm used to dealin' with basic bitches. 

I've decided to take the plunge and check out the Whole30 stuff I've been reading so much about. No, really - I've been reading. I even bought the book! Granted, I bought it back in July, but whatever. Shanda Bears move at a slow and leisurely pace. Anyway, I got to thinking, and I thought to myself, "Self, didn't you say you wanted to live to 100? Do you really think that all of this wine and those delicious cookies are going to help you do that?" And I responded, and I said, "Shut up, whore. These Christmas cookies taste like North Pole perfection, and I shall not stop at 5. I must have 10." My inner-self is kind of a huge bitch. 

Sooooo...flash forward to the next day when I watched a shit-ton (metric) of videos about people who had literally changed their lives by following the Whole30 program, and I figured that if they can do it, I can do it. At least for 30 days, right? This fall, I tried the Tracy Anderson program, and while I toned the eff up and finally got a booty droppin' booty....the meal plan was TORTURE. I basically had to be anorexic and work out way too much and I did.not.like.it. Anyway, I did that for like 8 weeks before I quit, so I do have *some* dedication in my bones. I lost 10 pounds and then gained 5 back immediately, so I also have some bacon in my bones. The point is, I don't want to go on a diet, and I don't want to push myself so hard that I hate working out in order to change my life, I'ma change it. I've also been have some whackadoodle digestive issues (read: I burp like Charlie Bucket and that asshole Grandpa Charlie after they realize it's the only way to get down from the ceiling...it's like a constant stream of burps all the day. Not normal. Must fix), so I'm hoping that eating cleaner lends itself to some regulation and some burp banishment. 

I set goals. I printed out stuff. I cleaned out my fridge. I'm effing ready, and I'm gonna rock this shit. My two biggest challenges will be that I can't have booze and I can't weigh myself. I'm the type of person who weighs herself after she poops, so this will be hard. Actually - I'm not looking to lose a ton of weight, because I know that just by taking the crap out of my diet, my weight will change. But, like I said earlier, I want to live to be 100, and if this is what it takes to get started on my long, winding path towards becoming a crazy old woman...so be it. Also, I will die with all of my own teeth. Went to the dentist today, and I don't even have ONE cavity. Boom. Although, I do have some gingivitis issues, but it's not gingervitis, so I'm ok. Everything is OK. 

Alright. I'm officially starting on Monday, and I'm going grocery shopping on Sunday. I have to go to bball games tomorrow *and* cheer practice, so I have no time to think of myself. I must think of the children. So: January 5th, I'm gonna come at you like a Spider Monkey. 

Thank you for reading my blog. You probably smell really good.