There should be an activity tracker called, "Hey, Fatty!" and it would have a voice that sounds like Liam Neeson.

So I got a Misfit today - tried out an iFit and was NOT A GOOD BUY. I also flirted with nerds at Best Buy because it's fun and I know they all hate their jobs because, 1) it's retail. woof. and 2) they have to talk to idiots all day and answer the same questions over and over. I mean, I do that, too - but I'm changing lives, damnit. My little idiots are blossoming into wonderful people who know how to analyze literature and create an effective thesis statement! Huzzah!

Anyway, I was tempted to purchase the Misfit because it was on sale (only $30 - wahoo!) and of course, because of this:

I'm a dear little reindeer - why don't I fit in? 

I think the main reason why I want an activity tracker is because it'll be staring me in the face all day, telling me to get my steps in. I want those 10,000 steps, and I want to meet at least one of my goals - I mean, I'm great at setting them....meeting them is another story. Life is hard, and I'm a misfit. 

This week also marks the beginning of the 4th quarter of the school year. 10 weeks left, baby! We're in the home stretch, and this is the time of year that flies by and is stressful, horrible, difficult, and wonderful all at the same time. It's great. And I get to teach 4 different Shakespeare plays, so while I'm a misfit, I'm also Lady Macbeth, Viola, Calpurnia, and Juliet. I mean, I could be male characters too, but the only time I ever picture myself as a male is when I'm Harry James Potter, casting a patronus spell. Speaking of reading, I need to go re-read The Lottery, chapter 4 of The Great Gatsby, a few chapters from Shane, and brush up on books 5-10 of The Odyssey. And tomorrow night I have 13 papers to grade before the deadline on Tuesday at noon. AAAAAAAUGH! Misfit, help me manage my life AND my activity! 

Woof.

I wonder if I'm the only person that finds life after Whole 30 to be kinda shitty. I'd like to preface this by saying that I didn't exactly do the whole reintroduction thing the right way - it's really hard to plan for stuff like that when I can't plan ahead *at all.* Thanks, basketball tournaments! But I have definitely noticed that there are two food groups that just make me feel wretched: Dairy and Wheat...well, gluten, I suppose, but damnit. I don't want to have issues with wheat! It's delicious! It's in everything I love, and it quite literally hurts when I eat it. I've had a sneaking suspicion the last year or so that something wasn't clicking, and while dairy and I haven't gotten along for awhile now, it just sucks to know that drinking a beer and having pasta are things that I'm going to have to plan for now.

Pity, party of one?

Also, on the last day of my Whole45, I weighed in at a holy-crap-balls 152 pounds. Yeah, I weighed 150 for a few days, and it was GLORIOUS, but twas a dream that quickly unraveled. Anyway, that means I officially lost 8 pounds in 45 days, and I've already gained back 4 of them in about 3 weeks. Granted, I've been eating shit lately, but I hate to say that I think I just have a weird body. It doesn't want to be smaller than it is. It enjoys being puffy and bloated and laughing at me when I think that my weight loss efforts are going to stick. I mentioned earlier that even though I loved the process of eating whole foods and feeling awesome, my number one reason for going on the Whole30 adventure was weight loss....aaaand, what do you know? As soon as I stopped doing it, the weight came right back. So I treated it like a diet, really - which is exactly what you are NOT supposed to do. I weighed myself everyday - which is exactly what you are NOT supposed to do. I never really defeated the sugar dragon, and that just freaking sucks because I have a sweet tooth that shall never subside. EVAR. Also, the main issue I have with keeping up with the Whole30 and Whole9 practices is that
I'M FUCKING POOR.

Oh, $60 a week for groceries isn't in your budget, either? Shocking! I truly can't decide if the pros outweigh the cons right meow. I also can't figure out how this lifestyle is sustainable for real people. The cost, the time, the not being able to enjoy myself as my peers drink a beer and I sip...water. Oh, yummy! Life fulfillment right here!

I really hate that my enthusiasm has weaned so much, but I feel a bit disillusioned right now, and it bugs me that I have neither the means nor the desire to continue to eat whole foods. I mean, obviously I won't be busting out the bread and cheese, but for I just don't see the overall benefit of eating no-added-anything if the moment I do, my body's like, "Yeah, that's more like it - here's 4 pounds and an entire weekend of explosive diarrhea. Oh, by the way, those 4 pounds aren't coming off. Not a water weight thing. Here to stay. Enjoy, bitch!"

What I would really enjoy is having enough money to have a nutritionist, personal chef, and a trainer. Oh well.

Signed,
Fooding is hard!

iFit...into smaller jeans!

Guess who's a size 8? ME! Boom, baby!

Hey, remember when I said that I was going to keep doing the Whole30 for another 2 weeks and that everything was going to be fantastic? Things did *NOT* go as planned! Tournament season is a nasty bitch, and that's all I have to say about that. Gaining 5 pounds in a week is the exact reason why I shouldn't own a scale, and that's all I have to say about that. I found out that carbs make me have hard poops, and while I'll say more about that to anyone who listens, I won't go into detail on le blog.

I ate pizza. I ate candy. I ate an effing donut.
And then...I bought an iFit!

Yay, I'm cool now! 

I haven't quite mastered it, but I've only had it for a day. The main reason I got one is because I've been insanely jealous of my roommate (she has a FitBit) and I want to get 10,000 steps, too! As of right now (7pm), I've taken about 7700 steps. NEAT! I've also been upping my game on the exercise, and today I'm starting a little 14 day yoga shred challenge with my homegirl Sadie Nardini. And once cheer season is over, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I can get home before 5pm and go on walks n' junk...I might even jog! I mean, I probably won't, but the possibility is there, and that's what counts! 

Speaking of counting, I counted down this weekend and got a pair of jeans that I fit into without squeezing my thighs into a denim casing. It felt awesome, and even though I was in American Eagle and I'm not 22, it felt good! SO I BOUGHT THEM! A tiny device of the future and cheap jeans that will most likely rip within 6 months? Success!

Anyway, I'm still trying my best to eat real, whole, good food. I'm actually going to take a cooler with me this weekend (We're going to staaaaaaaaate!) so that I can stay on track because I am NOT going to suffer for another weekend just because the dang hospitality room for coaches has nachos and donuts and cake and Doritos and brownies and NACHOS. Eff I hate people who don't prepare for my presence amongst the peons.

And with that, I leave you with the notion that life after Whole30 is difficult, but doable. Also, here are some baby cheerleaders for inspiration. Keep on Truckin', baby!

BTW, if I ever have a daughter, she's going to be a little baby cheerleader. She will be cute and bubbly, and not even kind of athletic. Not even kind of. 

I've run into a pitfall, I'm afraid...

So Day 45 was this past Wednesday  - I made it without any missteps, save for the wine I had when my parents visited the weekend before. That was nothing though - child's play.

This week went by without a hitch, but then the dreaded day 46 came. What to do? We had a district basketball tournament, and it's very hard to plan around that, and truth be told, I got lazy. I also got freaking hungry and there were delicious, non-compliant snacks all around me. All day. For 4 days! I did the unthinkable - I did the un-digestible. I caved on Thursday night and drank a glass of wine, ate a piece of quiche, had a ton of chocolate, and holy shitballs, I ate ice cream. NOT A GOOD IDEA. Let's just say Friday was not a fun day for Shanny. Then, I gave into this delicious box of snacks that our Booster Club made for the cheerleaders, and I ate peanuts. And Airheads. And a weird version of a Slim Jim, however I did not slam into it. To be fair, my uterus was not on my side, as it was prepping to turn into a werewolf at the sight of the full moon.

So here I am, on day 49, and I'm pretty much having to start over - well, get back on track, really. I had more discomfort this weekend than I've felt in a month and a half, and I know it's my own fault, but that doesn't mean that I can't fix it. The plan as of today is to take the next two weeks to stay Whole30, and then go into the re-introduction phase. It'll be March by then, and hopefully cheerleading will be almost over (unless we go to state - yeehaw!) and I'll have more time to focus on really finding out what I need to put back into my diet. Clearly, trying dairy, gluten, legumes and added sugar all in one weekend is not the way to go. I'm pressing the re-set button, and I'm going back to the basics.

I haven't strayed too far off the path, so I'm not worried about staying on track for another two-three weeks, but I know I need to get a hold of my bearings before I go to Spain in April. I can't honestly say that I'm not going to try anything and everything while I'm in Madrid - and it would be silly to not try a new fantastic food just because I don't want to mess up my dietary destiny!

Anyway, after 45 days, I lost 10 pounds and I haven't really measured myself, but I know my clothes fit better and I feel better (except for the past 3 days). So that's cool. Now I shall get started on phase two - the CONQUER PHASE. YES!!!!!

The Adventure Continues, Mes Amis!

This post is dedicated to my best good friend Smashley, who just started the Whole30 on Tuesday, and called me yesterday to tell me about her pizza craving. I'm like her sponsor. Schwing!

Yes, it's true - I'm tacking on more time to my Whole30 - turning it into a Whole45. Not to be confused with a Colt .45, because I am neither a gun enthusiast nor an imbiber of shitty alcoholic beverages.

                                                           ...if you say so, Billy D.

The reasons are three-fold:
1) I haven't defeated my "Sugar Dragon." I got it bad. Real bad. I had two gals teach a lesson in my Senior English class today, and they rewarded their classmates with CANDY. Guess who knew all the answers, thus giving me the right to all the candy? ME. I could have won that entire batch of Reese's (Does anyone else say Ree-cees Pee-cees?) and Milky Ways (frick yes. Out of this world sugar dragon). Thankfully, my students know about my dietary attempts at greatness, so they helped me not eat all of that delicious shit. However, I thought about that chocolate all the day. ALL THE DAY, hence the ongoing quest to slay the sugar dragon. Or "Beat the Sugar Dragon," as I said in class, prompting several giggles and a quick shut down by way of saying, "Oh sick - you are disgusting little boys. Get your mind out of the gutter, children." I feel like this is a major area that needs improvement, because as of right now, I'm this guy:

2) I like what I see, and I like how I feel. My clothes fit better, I don't feel all icky when I go to sleep, and I don't automatically suck-in when I look in the mirror...meaning it takes me a few seconds to start sucking in. Yessss! In other other words, I've deflated. If I were a bouncy house, no one would want to jump on me, but hopefully someone of the male variety soon will. Ha! Just kidding. Kinda. But it's nice to not feel puffy all the time, and I'd like to continue that for a few more days, because.....

3) I have a feeling that when I go off of the Whole30, I won't be able to sustain it - it's too easy to eat peanut butter and Nutella on one spoon! See? SUGAR DRAGON! Shitgoddamn.

So anyway, technically I'm on day 33, and that just made me think of Larry Bird bywayof LFO, and now I'm thinking about NKOTB and Chinese Food. Nope - I'm gonna go make some guacamole and make some freaking delicious chicken with my Whole30 Mayo...and then listen to some NKOTB.
                                                                   Jordan Knight
                                                                 Jordan Catalano
                                                            Jordan Taylor Hanson
                                                        ...coincidence? I think not.
I bet Taylor Hanson would totally embrace the Whole30 lifestyle if it meant he could keep me in his life.

Day 29 - ThE eNd Is NeAr!

Oh man oh man oh man - I'm almost done! I have ONE DAY left! It's been an interesting month, and with only one serious injury to count, I must say, it's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun :) On the Whole30 website, they suggest that one reviews their time on the Whole30 train, and I'm gonna do that here and now, becauuuuuseeee....I don't want to plan lessons for tomorrow. Also, I like memes. 

This is what my life used to be like: 

I've been on A LOT of diets, and I've done just about everything to try to get into shape and lose weight. I spent a lot of time worrying about calorie intake and whether or not I was getting my heart rate up long enough to burn those calories. This past summer, I gained 5 pounds in 3 weeks sittin' on the beach and drinkin' with my aunt (IT. WAS. AWESOME.) and then I freaked out and decided to go hardcore and work out to the EXTREME (go to hell, Tracy Anderson). I lost like 10 pounds in a and I was practically starving myself while I worked out incessantly, and *surprise!* I gained 5 pounds back immediately after I stopped the "program." So once again, I found myself experiencing another failed attempt at being healthy, not fully realizing that that version of health was NOT a good one! This all started when I was 10, so I'm going on 18 years of an unhealthy idea of what health is. And on top of that, I can eat like 2 pounds of chocolate in 10 minutes, and I love to wash chocolate down with chips and salsa. Then, a Diet Coke. Then, more chips. Ooh! and wine! Then maybe a quesadilla. I love having popcorn for dinner, and I think ranch dressing might be my favorite beverage of them all! But...the coke is diet, so it's all ok, right?  Oh, and I also have had a bad habit of taking supplements in an effort to lose weight, when really I know that it's all a placebo effect and they're stupid and they're such a waste of money but I GET SUCKED IN. Dammit. 

This is how I found the Whole30: 

Over this past Christmas break, as I sat at my parent's house for a week (being a teacher is neat!), I realized that I was eating a crap ton of crap. And I felt like crap about it. So, I thought about this book that I purchased the previous summer, and then I got Google-happy, and after reading a bunch of stories from people who have done the Whole30, and watching videos of their success stories, I said, "Fuck it. Let's do it." My main reason was weight loss (yes, I'll admit that my motivations were solely based on that) but as I continued to read and learn more about it, it was like a light bulb went off. I could either keep making unhealthy choices and hate myself for it, or I could make a significant positive change in my life and work toward making it permanent instead of treating it like a phase to go through. Why feel like shit all the time when....I could just *not* feel like shit all the time? A ha! 

During my Whole 30 experience: 

I've cooked things, I've baked things, I've discovered new foods, I've completely changed the way I shop for food, and I've had almost no digestive issues. I've lost 8 pounds (still working on that whole not-weighing-myself thing, but alas...it's a weakness) and I've done yoga everyday....I feel great! I'm actually excited to keep eating healthy and making good choices for my body so that I can LIVE FOREVERRRR. I'm less itchy, and while I still have eczema because it's winter and it happens every year and it blows, but I don't have a rash on my neck or my arms, so yippie! I can kinda see an ab, too - woohoo!  

Now that I've finished my Whole30: 

Well, I'm going to continue on it for another two weeks - I feel like I'm just hitting my stride and I want to keep feeling good! Also, I'm planning on adding to my workout routine, and I want to see if this thing is sustainable if I'm more active. Kind of like an experiment/I'm scared to go back because I don't want to feel like shit kind of thing. 

Bonus: Something I've noticed: 

So, I've told a lot of people about Whole30, and I've also talked about how I'm eating better, I feel better, and I've even had a few compliments that I look better (woot!). However, everyone keeps asking me, "So when are you done with that diet thing?" It's something that bugged me at first, but I realized that we all associate the word "diet" with like "I'm going on a diet because I'm fat, and when I'm not fat anymore, I'll stop my diet." ...Yeah, that's messed up. Isn't our diet supposed to be what we do/can eat? I see the Whole30 as changing my diet, not being on a diet - does that make sense? Ok, so maybe I can't have a ton of wheat-based stuff (I'll find out in a few weeks), but maybe making that change means that I feel better, function better, and woohoo, I feel awesome and you feel like shit. Muah ha ha ha haaaaaaaa :) 

Now the question is, what ever shall I blog about if I'm not blogging about how I sliced a piece of my thumb off? 

Progress Report: Day 20

Greetings! It's the end of day 20 for me, and the end of this week was kind of shitty, to be honest. First, I sliced the absolute SHIT out of my thumb, then I gained 3 pounds, and then I decided that I hate my job and had a mini existential crisis in my brain. 

It all started on a dark and dismal Wednesday night....

Roommate wanted to see if she could make food that was Whole30 compliant, and I was like - cool, let's do it! I wanted to make those delicious sweet potato things I made earlier, and now I have a coolbeans mandolin to help me slice stuff....like my finger. It was bad. It was real bad. Luckily, my roommate was calm as a cucumber and reassured me that no, I did not leave the top half of my thumb on the counter, and yes, there was a lot of blood so I should probably NOT LOOK AT IT. I finally took a gander on Friday morning out of curiosity, and I did *not* like what I saw....because I saw this: SICK! 

Lesson learned: Don't get cocky when you slice vegetables. 

There was another downside to that fateful night, and that was the unfortunate combination of brussel sprouts (read: fiber) and the fact that, even though I love her to death and will always be indebted to her for saving my thumb's life, roommate is generous with the fats. I usually use either 1) non-stick cooking spray or 2) a cap-full of olive oil when I coat the pan....she used a  rather large amount for only one chicken breast (it was special for me because the other chicken got milk and butter and cream cheese). Also, I where I drizzle, she pours. She uses real butter, and I'm pretty sure I haven't had real butter since some random Christmas dinner in the last decade. We come from totally different food-prep backgrounds, and the last time I watched her make potato soup she put an entire package of cream cheese in it, and I had a mini-anxiety attack. I just...I can't. 

Anyway, I think I just got a bit too much EVOO and brussel sprouts that night, even though my dinner was like, off the chain delicious and I officially love brussel sprouts now...

...I felt wretched the next day. First day since I started that I had the burps, and I just felt puffy. And because of my obsession with the scale, I of course had to weigh myself, and a 3 pound gain overnight just doesn't seem right during a month-long adventure of clean eating and feeling like a rockstar. Usually if I gain 3 pounds overnight, it's 3 pounds worth of booze, just sayin'. Wait, that would be me feeling like a rockstar - minus the coke-nose, of course. :)

And so, with my disgusting thumb and my "why do I feel like shit?" days, I felt animosity toward everyone and everything. It was like I was in "Kill ALL the Things!" phase again, and I did not like it, Sam I Am - I did not like Green Eggs and I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. It was rough - I had become accustom to feeling so great each day, like I could take on the world and truly enjoy raw almonds (never would have guessed that!), so when I felt "off" all of the sudden, it was very very noticeable. Crap, is this what it's going to be like when I end my 30 days? Because I don't wanna! Maybe I'll go for 45 days and use those extra 2 weeks to really plan how I'm going to approach eating in the near future. Dang, I might even make that Whole30 Mayo that everyone raves about - new food adventures! New life adventures! When will it be February, because January is dragging its ASS... adventures! 

P.S. I watched the ice skating thing that was on TV tonight, and the girls that took first and second place legit skated to Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera....coincidence? Probably. Proof that everything I love is awesome? Definitely.